Today is Father’s Day, and I hope it’s not too late. Those gifts you just opened? Wrap them back up and return them. The rototiller in the garage? The oddly shapen kiln-fired ashtray for you, the non-smoker? The Punky Brewster Complete Series DVD box set? Thank your family for the gesture and return everything. I’ve got something better for you.
My wife gave me an early Father’s Day gift this year, suggesting I spend time at a local salon. Days later I find myself in Lotions ‘n Potions on Main Street in Concord. Andrew Hatch greets me at the door, welcoming me into his well-lit, cozy yet expansive store. Andrew and his wife, Julie Cooke, have owned Lotions ‘n Potions for the past five years, in the spot that once housed Fickett Jewelers. Andrew speaks in a soft English accent as he shows me around the store, explaining what they’ve planned. Julie appears. “You’ll start with the ear candling and a pedicure, and then we’ll wax your chest and give you a facial,” she tells me. Before I can clarify what she means by the term, “wax your chest,” I’m introduced to Maria Richards, who leads me away.
Chapter 1: So a Guy Walks into a Salon with a Candle in his Ear . . .Maria ushers me into a treatment room. “You’re going to enjoy this,” Maria tells me. She pokes a hole in a paper plate, showing me a candle she’ll insert in my ear. I’m not sure what’s going on, but Maria’s warm smile and gentle nature make me forget that we’ve just met and that she’s planning on cramming a lit candle into the side of my head. She explains how ear candling’s been around for so long that no one culture lays claim to its origins. “People have been doing this for a very long time,” Maria tells me as I rest on my side. She carefully nudges the candle bottom in my left ear and lights it, the picnic plate resting between my face and the flame, catching the melting wax.
Ear candling, according to the pamphlet Maria hands me, sounds as complex as the launching of a weather satellite. “The vortex pattern occurring inside of the ear candle in conjunction with the warm air into a highly stressed nervous system initiates the flow of energy . . .” I know bupkis about vortex patterns, but the faint hum of the burning wick in my ear and Maria rubbing my scalp is enough to make me want to hole up here for the weekend, candle after candle burning away the stress in my life.
Maria finishes the second ear, and we’re done. I feel lighter, like my head is more compact – as if the candling’s stopped the marbles from rattling around in there. I like this. If a woman kneading my thinning hair while a controlled fire burns near my eardrum isn’t the essence of Father’s Day, then color me koo koo.
Chapter 2: The Wookie’s Wife Skips the Pedicure
“I’ve never given a pedicure to someone with such hairy legs,” Maria tells me as I slide my feet into warm, salty water. I take that as a compliment, or at least a comment on the grooming habits of Lotions ‘n Potions’ steady female customers. “First, you’ll soak your feet and then I’ll clean up those nails and cuticles,” Maria tells me. We’re upstairs now, the mid-day June sun shining through the windows as the hustle and bustle of Main Street flows silently on the sidewalk below. Time stands still as Maria moves effortlessly from drying my feet to taking an emery board to my toe nails.
By the time she finishes applying fancy cuticle cream to my toes, I’m beyond comfortable, the reclining chair swallowing me up. I barely notice the work she does on my feet with what looks like a lemon zester and don’t give a second thought to the fact that Maria’s spent more time with my feet than any other woman in my life. By the time she slathers on Shea butter, covers my feet in plastic and slips on warmed green elfin boots, I’m thinking that this may be the best Father’s Day gift ever.
Chapter 3: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
There are moments in a man’s life when he ponders the path he’s chosen, those fragments of reflection that give pause, making him question if he’s taken the right fork, rolled the right pair of dice, flipped the coin high enough. As Julie rips the hair from my chest, I wonder what the hell I ever did to end up here. Julie’s no amateur – she’s been named the Best Waxer in Boston magazine’s “Best of Boston” two years in a row – and she applies the hot wax to the paper strips and then to my upper body with lightning efficiency and precision. We try to chat as she works, but I’m in too much misery to add much to the conversation. Julie tells me about the virtues of waxing versus sugaring (she swears by waxing) but might as well be comparing Farsi to Romulon because the intense pain I feel as she tears the hair from my body in a rip, rip, ripping motion has rendered my comprehension of speech patterns to nil. She gives me no time to protest, knowing I might try to make a run for it, applying and tugging in such fluid motions that I dare not move.
“Most guys get their backs waxed. I don’t do many chests,” she says with a smile in her eyes. Earlier, before my day here started, Wynelle Staller, working the front desk, told me that she likes a man, “with a little hair on his chest.” I think of that now as Julie finishes up, my torso resembling a naked mole rat’s smooth, stark-white belly. So much for giving the ladies what they want because I’ve just been deforested like acres of Brazilian rain forest. I resist the urge to show off my pale, freckled, ghostly gut devoid of all vegetation. I’ll embrace the idea that sometimes the tease is better than the real thing.
Chapter 4: A Perfect Ending
Julie wastes no time transitioning from the horrors of waxing to my final treatment of the day, a Deep Cleansing Facial. I remain on my back as Julie begins coating my face in lotions, liniments and scrubs. She scans my face for problem areas. “You have nice skin,” she tells me as she attacks the trouble spots, pinching, squeezing and cleaning as she goes. Andrew told me earlier that, “Julie’s a picker. She really gets into it,” and I see what he means. She’s giving my entire face, neck and head a workout, and it feels so good. She coats my hands in lotion and puts them in warm gloves while she whips out a glass wand. “This is the High Frequency machine,” she says as she moves it across my nose, cheeks and chin. “It uses ozone gas, ultraviolet light and electric current to disinfect your skin.”
Julie then moves onto the aloe vera algae mask, encasing my entire face in a green clay she later peels off like inch-thick sour apple fruit roll up, never forgetting to massage my head, neck and temples. This is one of the best sensations I’ve ever felt, and I swear I’ll never go back to a Father’s Day of “Best Dad’ coffee mugs, cave-painting quality grade school art work and dress sock three-packs.
No, I reject those gifts and their ilk – instead I embrace the Father’s Day of the New Man, the Well-Groomed Dad, the Pampered Pop who’d rather spend four hours at the downtown salon than surrounded by well-meaning children who wouldn’t know pedicures from Parcheesi. Father’s Day should be about doing what makes you feel good, and I highly recommend a spa day. Although call me before you sign up for the waxing. We should probably talk about that.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"Who is Pit Bull?"
“Are you ready to have some fun?” The woman with a bright smile and long braids asks me this as I stand in the lobby of the Racquet Club of Concord. I’m here to try my luck at a Zumba class. My New Year’s resolutions aren’t gonna resolve themselves, and this class could be a great way to get started. Her name is Rebekah Brigham, and her smile illuminates the entire room. She’s been teaching Zumba since September. “You’re going to love it. I promise!”
Rebekah’s joined by two other instructors. Heidi Cary, an 18-month Zumba veteran from Pembroke and Jessica Corr, today’s lead instructor. The three of them are decked in head-to-two Zumba gear - fit, full of energy and ready to go. This is not a run of the mill exercise class, I think. I’m not sure if it’s fear or excitement in my belly, but I follow them into the gym. Zumba’s slogan, “Ditch the workout, join the party!” is more than enough to pique my interest.
Zumba is the brain-child of Beto Perez, a Colombian fitness instructor, who, as legend has it, was running late to an aerobics class and forgot his regular music. Rather than send everyone home, Beto instead threw together a collection of merengue and salsa music for his class, and everyone loved it. The rest, as they say, is history.
Just before the class begins, Tracey Beaulieu, a leader in the New Hampshire Zumba community, bounds in, neon tassels twirling on her Zumba cargo pants. “Zumba is about relieving stress, having fun and burning calories,” Tracey tells me as we get ready to start. If there is a local expert in all things Zumba, Tracey’s got that title sewn up, with neon accents, of course. She’s been teaching Zumba in and around Concord for almost three years and is the only licensed choreography instructor in the state, teaching routines and moves and spreading the Zumba word.
Zumba’s hard to miss. Turn on the TV to see infomercials, watch the ads for its motion video games or check out the Zumba-themed merchandise for sale online. From neon cargo pants to “Wild Zumba Leggings” to earrings, necklaces, toning bars, racerback tops, DVDs, tee shirts and winter jackets, you can dress the Zumba lifestyle for every occasion except maybe a court date or a parole hearing.
Since its formal inception in 2001, Zumba has grown into a fitness juggernaut. More than ten million people in over one hundred countries take Zumba classes regularly, and it’s offered in over 90,000 locations worldwide. There are six types of classes, for everyone from baby boomers (“Zumba Gold”) to children (“Zumbatomic”) to people who love water sports (“Aqua Zumba”) to people like me, who like our Zumba on dry land.
Tracey tells me more about the growing Zumba culture in the greater Concord area. “There are about sixty instructors across the state, and you can find a class any day of the week,” she tells me. Later I do some research and discover that Tracey, Rebekah, Heidi, Jessica and others teach classes from Allenstown to Bow, from Concord to Contoocook, in Suncook, Weare, Pittsfield and Hopkinton and towns in between. In Concord alone, there are more than fifteen Zumba classes offered weekly, so it’s just a matter of time before you find yourself in a Zumba class whether you like it or not.
Before today, I knew very little about it. I’d heard that Zumba was a “Latin-inspired, calorie-burning dance fitness party.” I’ll admit some trepidation. The last Latin-inspired party I went to was the 10:30 Sunday church service my parents dragged me to as a nine-year old. I can assure you that Latin-themed event lacked dancing and salsa music, and I’m pretty sure the priest didn’t wear a fluorescent pink spaghetti string tank top and skin-tight leggings, at least as far as I could tell.
As Jessica and Tracey prep the music, it dawns on me that I am the only man here. I ask Jessica where the other men are. “Men are chicken!” and she laughs. The music starts, and I find a spot near the back.
I decide to dedicate my inaugural Zumba performance to all the men of the world who’ve ever run screaming from an organized exercise class dominated by women or who consider grilling sausage a calorie-burning event. This one’s for you, fellas.
As we gather, I meet a few of my classmates. One woman to my left says, “Don’t worry! I’m a nurse and she’s a physical therapist,” pointing to another to my right. “We’ve got you covered!” I’m tempted to ask if there’s a cardiologist or mortician in the house but think otherwise. Jessica’s standing in the front of the group, and she’s already moving to the music.
Without a word of instruction, Jessica’s off and moving! The music pulsates and everyone copies her – back and forth she moves, sometimes her feet, other times her hips and then her arms move in unison with her hips and feet. I almost stand still because I have no idea how to move like that. She syncopates her feet with her hands and torso, and I’m totally lost. But it really doesn’t matter. Everyone is smiling, laughing, hooting and hollering as Jessica moves in rhythm to the music.
A few songs in, I start to pick up on the patterns, getting the general gist of each routine. I can only imagine how pathetic I look, but the music’s loud, everyone’s doing their best, and no one’s keeping score. Heidi, then Rebekah leads us through high-energy routines, and once Tracey starts in again, I’ve given into Zumba completely and just move my rotund body to the music.
I’ve always thought I was a pretty good dancer, but all those skills abandon me. I try copying Tracey’s moves step for step but am not even close. When Tracey turns her back and shakes her rump, I find myself doing the same thing.
If twenty years ago you’d told me that when I was 43, I’d be gyrating to a song by a man named “Pit Bull,” surrounded by two dozen women doing the merengue in a public space in central New Hampshire, I would have said, “Who’s Pit Bull?”
Tracey leads the class in a wide circle, taking us through a series of choreographed moves that have our heart rates soaring. I follow along, running with my classmates into the middle and sprinting back out to the edge. I’ve lost all sense of self-consciousness – this is fun, and I’m sweating like crazy.
Looking to my left and right, everyone’s moving to the beat- some of us are a bit off-kilter and some are spot on, matching the instructors move for move, but everyone is happy. I’m not sure I can even accurately describe what Zumba is – it’s not quite aerobics, and it’s not really a dance class – it’s almost like a personal pep rally where everyone cheers for themselves. And we all need our own cheering section now and then. And Zumba’s just the ticket.
Rebekah’s joined by two other instructors. Heidi Cary, an 18-month Zumba veteran from Pembroke and Jessica Corr, today’s lead instructor. The three of them are decked in head-to-two Zumba gear - fit, full of energy and ready to go. This is not a run of the mill exercise class, I think. I’m not sure if it’s fear or excitement in my belly, but I follow them into the gym. Zumba’s slogan, “Ditch the workout, join the party!” is more than enough to pique my interest.
Zumba is the brain-child of Beto Perez, a Colombian fitness instructor, who, as legend has it, was running late to an aerobics class and forgot his regular music. Rather than send everyone home, Beto instead threw together a collection of merengue and salsa music for his class, and everyone loved it. The rest, as they say, is history.
Just before the class begins, Tracey Beaulieu, a leader in the New Hampshire Zumba community, bounds in, neon tassels twirling on her Zumba cargo pants. “Zumba is about relieving stress, having fun and burning calories,” Tracey tells me as we get ready to start. If there is a local expert in all things Zumba, Tracey’s got that title sewn up, with neon accents, of course. She’s been teaching Zumba in and around Concord for almost three years and is the only licensed choreography instructor in the state, teaching routines and moves and spreading the Zumba word.
Zumba’s hard to miss. Turn on the TV to see infomercials, watch the ads for its motion video games or check out the Zumba-themed merchandise for sale online. From neon cargo pants to “Wild Zumba Leggings” to earrings, necklaces, toning bars, racerback tops, DVDs, tee shirts and winter jackets, you can dress the Zumba lifestyle for every occasion except maybe a court date or a parole hearing.
Since its formal inception in 2001, Zumba has grown into a fitness juggernaut. More than ten million people in over one hundred countries take Zumba classes regularly, and it’s offered in over 90,000 locations worldwide. There are six types of classes, for everyone from baby boomers (“Zumba Gold”) to children (“Zumbatomic”) to people who love water sports (“Aqua Zumba”) to people like me, who like our Zumba on dry land.
Tracey tells me more about the growing Zumba culture in the greater Concord area. “There are about sixty instructors across the state, and you can find a class any day of the week,” she tells me. Later I do some research and discover that Tracey, Rebekah, Heidi, Jessica and others teach classes from Allenstown to Bow, from Concord to Contoocook, in Suncook, Weare, Pittsfield and Hopkinton and towns in between. In Concord alone, there are more than fifteen Zumba classes offered weekly, so it’s just a matter of time before you find yourself in a Zumba class whether you like it or not.
Before today, I knew very little about it. I’d heard that Zumba was a “Latin-inspired, calorie-burning dance fitness party.” I’ll admit some trepidation. The last Latin-inspired party I went to was the 10:30 Sunday church service my parents dragged me to as a nine-year old. I can assure you that Latin-themed event lacked dancing and salsa music, and I’m pretty sure the priest didn’t wear a fluorescent pink spaghetti string tank top and skin-tight leggings, at least as far as I could tell.
As Jessica and Tracey prep the music, it dawns on me that I am the only man here. I ask Jessica where the other men are. “Men are chicken!” and she laughs. The music starts, and I find a spot near the back.
I decide to dedicate my inaugural Zumba performance to all the men of the world who’ve ever run screaming from an organized exercise class dominated by women or who consider grilling sausage a calorie-burning event. This one’s for you, fellas.
As we gather, I meet a few of my classmates. One woman to my left says, “Don’t worry! I’m a nurse and she’s a physical therapist,” pointing to another to my right. “We’ve got you covered!” I’m tempted to ask if there’s a cardiologist or mortician in the house but think otherwise. Jessica’s standing in the front of the group, and she’s already moving to the music.
Without a word of instruction, Jessica’s off and moving! The music pulsates and everyone copies her – back and forth she moves, sometimes her feet, other times her hips and then her arms move in unison with her hips and feet. I almost stand still because I have no idea how to move like that. She syncopates her feet with her hands and torso, and I’m totally lost. But it really doesn’t matter. Everyone is smiling, laughing, hooting and hollering as Jessica moves in rhythm to the music.
A few songs in, I start to pick up on the patterns, getting the general gist of each routine. I can only imagine how pathetic I look, but the music’s loud, everyone’s doing their best, and no one’s keeping score. Heidi, then Rebekah leads us through high-energy routines, and once Tracey starts in again, I’ve given into Zumba completely and just move my rotund body to the music.
I’ve always thought I was a pretty good dancer, but all those skills abandon me. I try copying Tracey’s moves step for step but am not even close. When Tracey turns her back and shakes her rump, I find myself doing the same thing.
If twenty years ago you’d told me that when I was 43, I’d be gyrating to a song by a man named “Pit Bull,” surrounded by two dozen women doing the merengue in a public space in central New Hampshire, I would have said, “Who’s Pit Bull?”
Tracey leads the class in a wide circle, taking us through a series of choreographed moves that have our heart rates soaring. I follow along, running with my classmates into the middle and sprinting back out to the edge. I’ve lost all sense of self-consciousness – this is fun, and I’m sweating like crazy.
Looking to my left and right, everyone’s moving to the beat- some of us are a bit off-kilter and some are spot on, matching the instructors move for move, but everyone is happy. I’m not sure I can even accurately describe what Zumba is – it’s not quite aerobics, and it’s not really a dance class – it’s almost like a personal pep rally where everyone cheers for themselves. And we all need our own cheering section now and then. And Zumba’s just the ticket.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Diswasher Follies
Are you tired of the same dinner routine? In a suppertime stupor you can’t snap out of? Yearn for a world where every meal is magnificent? A magical universe that combines cooking and cleaning at the same time? Well, friend, I know of such a place, one where, with a push of a button, you can prepare a three-course meal and wash your pots and pans in one easy step. I’ve been to this world, and it’s glorious, a marvel of modern technology!
I call it “Dishwasher Cooking,” and everybody’s doing it. No other culinary method combines the raw power of soapy, steam heat with the elegance of poaching. Think of the time you’ll save! No more waiting, no more idle time, no more wondering when to ring that dinner bell.
Try my new “Dishwasher Cooking” method for two nights, and you’ll go from zero to hero in no time! Instead of angry chants of “We want food! We want food!” you’ll bask in choruses of “Mom/Dad/Legal Guardian is the best! Mom/Dad/Legal Guardian is the best!” This revolutionary approach to meal preparation and kitchen clean-up is so amazing that you’ll wonder where I’ve been your whole life!
You may remember that 1970’s movement where car owners, like you and me, learned how to cook dinner while driving their cars! A baked potato, a small rump roast, even glazed carrots and blueberry buckle - tucked next to the engine block - roasting all the way to Aunt Flo’s house in Terra Haute.
But in these days of spiraling gas prices, who wants to leave home to cook a meal? Dishwasher cooking solves that pesky problem. You can stay right in your own kitchen and make supper! Still have doubts? Check out the phrase, “dishwasher cooking” online. With only a few keystrokes you can learn about these simple methods and great recipes from around America, where scores of people have discovered the joys of blending nutritious meals with the ease of running the dishwasher. Satisfied? I knew you would be.
Here we go! The first night’s menu is both simple and complex, a unique blend of fresh ingredients cooked to perfection in any standard dishwasher. We start with a salmon fillet, smothered in lemon juice with a whisper of olive oil, wrapped air-tight in aluminum foil. Then we take a handful of Brussels sprouts, mix them with oil, salt and pepper, wrapping them up snuggly in foil. For dessert, Fuji apple slices, lemon and brown sugar, bundled in foil, nice and tight. Find a spot on the top rack, load the day’s dirty dishes into the bottom, add soap and run the normal cycle. Choose the optional Hi-Temp Wash to give that salmon the extra care it deserves. Then sit back and relax while your dinner cooks and your dishes clean! Play a game of Parcheesi, knit a sweater or catch up on your Matlock episodes. These two hours are yours!
What’s that? A hint of fish smell seems to be filling up the kitchen? No worries! That’s the salmon on its way to poached perfection! The odor’s getting stronger? “Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness,” I always say. Maybe choose that big candle, the one that smells like cinnamon. That should help. The Brussels sprouts? No, they won’t taste like lemon soap, silly! Those sprouts are wrapped tighter than two coats of paint. Now have another glass of wine and relax. Dinner will be ready in no more than one hundred minutes.
And we’re done! It’s time to eat. Let’s try some of this delicious salmon. Excuse me? Dry? No, I said “poached,” not “parched.” Well, don’t eat if you don’t like it. “To each his own,” that’s my motto. But these Brussels sprouts are to die for, I’m sure. Let’s take a bite and enjoy their leafy goodness. Where are you going? Nauseous? Don’t be foolish. These vegetables would never make anyone sick – I hear there’s a touch of the flu going around, anyway. The apples? Crunchy wet apples are the European way of preparing them. No need to be rude. Fine, I’ll discard these apples, and we’ll focus on tomorrow evening’s meal.
Ah yes! You’re back again! How very wise of you. No sense holding a grudge about going to bed hungry last night, is there? And yes, I apologize for the Brussels sprouts. What did you call them? The “stunted offspring of cabbage and misery?” I’m not sure that makes sense, but you’ve made it clear you did not approve, and we don’t need to dwell on the past.
Let’s get started, shall we? We’ll combine a dishwasher full of dirty plates, cups, knives and bowls with a tablespoon of Cascade detergent, a dash of Jet Dry and my famous “Dishwasher Lasagna Florentine.” You’ll be the hit of the house with this crowd-pleaser.
Take your no-boil lasagna sheets and lay them flat on aluminum foil, coat them with tomato sauce, spoon on a hearty serving of ricotta cheese and fresh spinach, and sprinkle mozzarella cheese on the top. Add another layer, top it off with more lasagna sheets, toss in a handful of mozzarella and seal up this wonderful casserole tight, making sure there are no holes in the foil. Place this bundle of culinary joy on the bottom rack, hit the button, and relish these moments of true relaxation.
Do we have to discuss the Brussels sprouts again? Accept my apology, and let’s move on. Besides, think of how delicious this spinach lasagna will taste in no more than two hours. Well, now you’re just being petty. Sure, I overcooked the salmon and you made me re-run the dishes to get rid of the fish odor – for what it’s worth, that stink was in your mind. I thought the cutlery smelled fine.
Dinner is served! My stars! See how delicious that lasagna looks! Ooh, watch how the creamy ricotta oozes over the sides, mixing with the tomato sauce. This will be wonderful, I have no doubt. Gummy? Did you say, “gummy?” I’m not sure that’s an apt description of this casserole. Granted, perhaps the steam heat creates a less traditional texture for the lasagna, but it’s still delicious. Isn’t it? Yes, there is a difference between “edible” and “delicious.” Like my mother always says, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!” And no, we can’t put it back in the dishwasher, not unless you want to wait another two hours. Why, yes, I would love a bowl of Lucky Charms. No sense going to bed hungry again. Thanks for asking.
Maybe my “Dishwasher Cooking” isn’t for you. It takes an adventurous soul to try something new, and perhaps you’re too stuck in your ways. I’m happy to discuss this in more detail, but let’s finish off this box of cereal. I can’t think clearly on an empty stomach.
I call it “Dishwasher Cooking,” and everybody’s doing it. No other culinary method combines the raw power of soapy, steam heat with the elegance of poaching. Think of the time you’ll save! No more waiting, no more idle time, no more wondering when to ring that dinner bell.
Try my new “Dishwasher Cooking” method for two nights, and you’ll go from zero to hero in no time! Instead of angry chants of “We want food! We want food!” you’ll bask in choruses of “Mom/Dad/Legal Guardian is the best! Mom/Dad/Legal Guardian is the best!” This revolutionary approach to meal preparation and kitchen clean-up is so amazing that you’ll wonder where I’ve been your whole life!
You may remember that 1970’s movement where car owners, like you and me, learned how to cook dinner while driving their cars! A baked potato, a small rump roast, even glazed carrots and blueberry buckle - tucked next to the engine block - roasting all the way to Aunt Flo’s house in Terra Haute.
But in these days of spiraling gas prices, who wants to leave home to cook a meal? Dishwasher cooking solves that pesky problem. You can stay right in your own kitchen and make supper! Still have doubts? Check out the phrase, “dishwasher cooking” online. With only a few keystrokes you can learn about these simple methods and great recipes from around America, where scores of people have discovered the joys of blending nutritious meals with the ease of running the dishwasher. Satisfied? I knew you would be.
Here we go! The first night’s menu is both simple and complex, a unique blend of fresh ingredients cooked to perfection in any standard dishwasher. We start with a salmon fillet, smothered in lemon juice with a whisper of olive oil, wrapped air-tight in aluminum foil. Then we take a handful of Brussels sprouts, mix them with oil, salt and pepper, wrapping them up snuggly in foil. For dessert, Fuji apple slices, lemon and brown sugar, bundled in foil, nice and tight. Find a spot on the top rack, load the day’s dirty dishes into the bottom, add soap and run the normal cycle. Choose the optional Hi-Temp Wash to give that salmon the extra care it deserves. Then sit back and relax while your dinner cooks and your dishes clean! Play a game of Parcheesi, knit a sweater or catch up on your Matlock episodes. These two hours are yours!
What’s that? A hint of fish smell seems to be filling up the kitchen? No worries! That’s the salmon on its way to poached perfection! The odor’s getting stronger? “Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness,” I always say. Maybe choose that big candle, the one that smells like cinnamon. That should help. The Brussels sprouts? No, they won’t taste like lemon soap, silly! Those sprouts are wrapped tighter than two coats of paint. Now have another glass of wine and relax. Dinner will be ready in no more than one hundred minutes.
And we’re done! It’s time to eat. Let’s try some of this delicious salmon. Excuse me? Dry? No, I said “poached,” not “parched.” Well, don’t eat if you don’t like it. “To each his own,” that’s my motto. But these Brussels sprouts are to die for, I’m sure. Let’s take a bite and enjoy their leafy goodness. Where are you going? Nauseous? Don’t be foolish. These vegetables would never make anyone sick – I hear there’s a touch of the flu going around, anyway. The apples? Crunchy wet apples are the European way of preparing them. No need to be rude. Fine, I’ll discard these apples, and we’ll focus on tomorrow evening’s meal.
Ah yes! You’re back again! How very wise of you. No sense holding a grudge about going to bed hungry last night, is there? And yes, I apologize for the Brussels sprouts. What did you call them? The “stunted offspring of cabbage and misery?” I’m not sure that makes sense, but you’ve made it clear you did not approve, and we don’t need to dwell on the past.
Let’s get started, shall we? We’ll combine a dishwasher full of dirty plates, cups, knives and bowls with a tablespoon of Cascade detergent, a dash of Jet Dry and my famous “Dishwasher Lasagna Florentine.” You’ll be the hit of the house with this crowd-pleaser.
Take your no-boil lasagna sheets and lay them flat on aluminum foil, coat them with tomato sauce, spoon on a hearty serving of ricotta cheese and fresh spinach, and sprinkle mozzarella cheese on the top. Add another layer, top it off with more lasagna sheets, toss in a handful of mozzarella and seal up this wonderful casserole tight, making sure there are no holes in the foil. Place this bundle of culinary joy on the bottom rack, hit the button, and relish these moments of true relaxation.
Do we have to discuss the Brussels sprouts again? Accept my apology, and let’s move on. Besides, think of how delicious this spinach lasagna will taste in no more than two hours. Well, now you’re just being petty. Sure, I overcooked the salmon and you made me re-run the dishes to get rid of the fish odor – for what it’s worth, that stink was in your mind. I thought the cutlery smelled fine.
Dinner is served! My stars! See how delicious that lasagna looks! Ooh, watch how the creamy ricotta oozes over the sides, mixing with the tomato sauce. This will be wonderful, I have no doubt. Gummy? Did you say, “gummy?” I’m not sure that’s an apt description of this casserole. Granted, perhaps the steam heat creates a less traditional texture for the lasagna, but it’s still delicious. Isn’t it? Yes, there is a difference between “edible” and “delicious.” Like my mother always says, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!” And no, we can’t put it back in the dishwasher, not unless you want to wait another two hours. Why, yes, I would love a bowl of Lucky Charms. No sense going to bed hungry again. Thanks for asking.
Maybe my “Dishwasher Cooking” isn’t for you. It takes an adventurous soul to try something new, and perhaps you’re too stuck in your ways. I’m happy to discuss this in more detail, but let’s finish off this box of cereal. I can’t think clearly on an empty stomach.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Open Letter to the Squirrel at 13 Mooreland Avenue
I saw your footprints. I saw them in the snow, and I know what you’re doing. Please don’t deny it. You make us both look silly. Where are you going? Come back here. Do you think this is a joke, some kind of funny dance that ends with us in a warm embrace? Well, we’re not dance partners, I’m not laughing, and the only punch line is me in tears, like always. This charade’s gone on long enough, and I’m tired. Tired of the sneaking around, the lurking in the shadows, the furtive glances and the scurrying away from confrontation.
We were happy here once, weren’t we? Content to be ourselves – you running and climbing and me trying to keep this house in order. But then something changed. I tried to ignore the noises late at night, pretending they were in my head. How could anyone with such zest for life be anything but wonderful? I was wrong, the first of many mistakes I made in this relationship. But no longer.
Fine. I admit it. I tried to trap you – the steel cage and peanut butter were a bad idea – I know that now. No, I wasn’t really going to hurt you – just scare you a little. Remember how we talked about that farm way upstate? We’d take a drive – me in the driver’s seat and you in the trunk under a blanket. We’d go up there to check things out – you wouldn’t have to stay. It was just a chance for a break – the two of us deserved it. But you ruined it, eating all the peanut butter and making a mockery of my plan. The trap sits discarded and useless. I can still see the outline of your tiny paw prints in the Skippy you left behind. And they make me sad.
This isn’t just me and you. My daughter sleeps upstairs, and I can't imagine what she thinks when she hears you rummaging around, doing whatever it is you do up there in the dark. If we don’t fix this, she’ll hold a grudge against you forever. Because I know – I lived this at her age. My dad, the window, the pellet gun and the cursing, crying and frustration – kids don’t forget that stuff.
And now you do this? Your daily backyard spectacle? For everyone in the neighborhood to see? My god, what happened to you?
I take the time to try to make this place look better, to invite some bird friends over to enjoy a meal, and you go and ruin it like you always do. So I guess I’m the fool. I thought the birds were hungry – that they really liked the seeds. But no. I came home and saw you embarrassing yourself on the feeder, stuffing your little nose into its holes, cramming every morsel into your inflated cheeks. I bet you’d climb inside that feeder and roll around like a kid in a McDonaldland Ball Pit if you had the chance. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You warm-blooded, diurnal rodent sicko. I don’t even know you anymore.
See? There I go. Calling you names. You make me so angry I can’t help myself – it used to be so different. I was the one defending you. “Critter!” they’d call you, but I wouldn’t listen. “Varmint!” they’d howl, but I’d tell a funny story about you and that acorn. I don’t have the energy anymore. Not after this.
Can’t you even appreciate the money I spent on that Baffler for the feeder? I saw you staring at me from the bushes that day, those dark, soulless eyes filled with betrayal. For a few days I was happy – friendly birds stopped by for a snack, and you were off frolicking with your pals, or so I thought. You were waiting, weren’t you?
Am I impressed that you can jump from the tree to the feeder, that your tiny fingers and toes can grip the tube as it sways back and forth? Well, maybe. You always were a great jumper. Stop! I won’t get pulled into this again. Sometimes I wonder if you even care if you hurt yourself. What’s next? Power lines? Busy intersections? When does it end?
I already told you. I don’t want you as my pet – I don’t want to control you, tell you where to spend your nights, or who you can cavort with. Shack up with the moles next door for all I care – but leave my house and yard alone. Decent birds stopped coming by weeks ago. Now only the crows visit. Nobody deserves crows.
I could buy a BB gun. I’m a pretty good shot, for the record. Your little behind-the-tree circling move wouldn’t be so clever anymore. Just try to jump from branch to branch in a cast and crutches. I’ll be the one letting out a high-pitched chattering screech, and you’ll be the one in misery.
I’m giving you a choice. Leave my feeder alone and find another home to wreck or continue on this destructive path. Don’t force me to take extreme measures. Maybe that peanut butter won’t be filled with wholesome peanutty goodness the next time. Maybe the tree trunk will be lined with axle grease. Or maybe my dad’ll come up for a long weekend. He’ll bring along a friend this time, a friend named Mr. 1981 Pellet Gun. And then you’ll be sorry.
It hurts me to write this. I’ll give you one week to decide. My patience, like the wild bird seed, has been pillaged and left on the ground for scavengers. For the sake of the community, for me, my family, and for your well-being, I hope you’ll make the right choice.
We were happy here once, weren’t we? Content to be ourselves – you running and climbing and me trying to keep this house in order. But then something changed. I tried to ignore the noises late at night, pretending they were in my head. How could anyone with such zest for life be anything but wonderful? I was wrong, the first of many mistakes I made in this relationship. But no longer.
Fine. I admit it. I tried to trap you – the steel cage and peanut butter were a bad idea – I know that now. No, I wasn’t really going to hurt you – just scare you a little. Remember how we talked about that farm way upstate? We’d take a drive – me in the driver’s seat and you in the trunk under a blanket. We’d go up there to check things out – you wouldn’t have to stay. It was just a chance for a break – the two of us deserved it. But you ruined it, eating all the peanut butter and making a mockery of my plan. The trap sits discarded and useless. I can still see the outline of your tiny paw prints in the Skippy you left behind. And they make me sad.
This isn’t just me and you. My daughter sleeps upstairs, and I can't imagine what she thinks when she hears you rummaging around, doing whatever it is you do up there in the dark. If we don’t fix this, she’ll hold a grudge against you forever. Because I know – I lived this at her age. My dad, the window, the pellet gun and the cursing, crying and frustration – kids don’t forget that stuff.
And now you do this? Your daily backyard spectacle? For everyone in the neighborhood to see? My god, what happened to you?
I take the time to try to make this place look better, to invite some bird friends over to enjoy a meal, and you go and ruin it like you always do. So I guess I’m the fool. I thought the birds were hungry – that they really liked the seeds. But no. I came home and saw you embarrassing yourself on the feeder, stuffing your little nose into its holes, cramming every morsel into your inflated cheeks. I bet you’d climb inside that feeder and roll around like a kid in a McDonaldland Ball Pit if you had the chance. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? You warm-blooded, diurnal rodent sicko. I don’t even know you anymore.
See? There I go. Calling you names. You make me so angry I can’t help myself – it used to be so different. I was the one defending you. “Critter!” they’d call you, but I wouldn’t listen. “Varmint!” they’d howl, but I’d tell a funny story about you and that acorn. I don’t have the energy anymore. Not after this.
Can’t you even appreciate the money I spent on that Baffler for the feeder? I saw you staring at me from the bushes that day, those dark, soulless eyes filled with betrayal. For a few days I was happy – friendly birds stopped by for a snack, and you were off frolicking with your pals, or so I thought. You were waiting, weren’t you?
Am I impressed that you can jump from the tree to the feeder, that your tiny fingers and toes can grip the tube as it sways back and forth? Well, maybe. You always were a great jumper. Stop! I won’t get pulled into this again. Sometimes I wonder if you even care if you hurt yourself. What’s next? Power lines? Busy intersections? When does it end?
I already told you. I don’t want you as my pet – I don’t want to control you, tell you where to spend your nights, or who you can cavort with. Shack up with the moles next door for all I care – but leave my house and yard alone. Decent birds stopped coming by weeks ago. Now only the crows visit. Nobody deserves crows.
I could buy a BB gun. I’m a pretty good shot, for the record. Your little behind-the-tree circling move wouldn’t be so clever anymore. Just try to jump from branch to branch in a cast and crutches. I’ll be the one letting out a high-pitched chattering screech, and you’ll be the one in misery.
I’m giving you a choice. Leave my feeder alone and find another home to wreck or continue on this destructive path. Don’t force me to take extreme measures. Maybe that peanut butter won’t be filled with wholesome peanutty goodness the next time. Maybe the tree trunk will be lined with axle grease. Or maybe my dad’ll come up for a long weekend. He’ll bring along a friend this time, a friend named Mr. 1981 Pellet Gun. And then you’ll be sorry.
It hurts me to write this. I’ll give you one week to decide. My patience, like the wild bird seed, has been pillaged and left on the ground for scavengers. For the sake of the community, for me, my family, and for your well-being, I hope you’ll make the right choice.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Dick Clark and the Season of Shame
You’re running out of time. It’s almost December 31st, and everyone needs a New Year’s Resolution. What’s it gonna be this year? Finally grow out those mutton chops? Learn to speak Klingon? Arm wrestle Justin Beiber? Do some sit-ups, climb a mountain, gut a deer, paint a fence?
It’s always the same for me. “This is the year I lose weight.” Dick Clark’s been my diet coach for a long time. New Year’s Eve meant confronting all the soda, Suzie Q’s, Bits O’Honey and bowls of Count Chocula I’d eaten in the previous 364 days while rockin’ to the televised hits of Toto, Billy Squire and Juice Newton as Dick narrated the ball’s descent. Just a snippet of “Auld Lang Syne” still makes me spit out whatever I’m trying to swallow whole before everyone screams, “Happy New Year!” While my siblings or friends tooted paper horns, counting down the seconds, I rehearsed my resolution - that this year, 1978, 1985, 1996 or 2009 – pick a year, any year – would be the year I finally shed unwanted tonnage.
This Friday night won’t be any different. I’ll huddle in front of the TV, cursing Dick’s persistence, wishing I could say 2011 would be the year I instead kickbox an angry kangaroo, spend a night in Delaware or vote Libertarian. But no. 2011 is THE year I lose weight.
I’ve decided to embrace the root of my lifelong strife and go out in blaze of cheesy greasy glory, targeting five fast food creations that defy nature, their very existence calling into question the molecular order of things. From the DoubleDown chicken sandwich to the McRib, from the Cheesy Bites Pizza to the Grilled Stuft Burrito, with a handful of Sausage Pancake Mini Maple-flavored bites thrown in for good measure, I aim to earn this year’s resolution with every fat-saturated caloric chew. I’ve convinced Maisie, my 11-year old daughter to join me. Kids today need to know there are consequences for the actions their parents force them to do.
Maybe these artery-obstructing choices are, “The Five Foods You’ll Eat in Hell,” but I’m not so sure. Everyone’s always smiling on the commercials, and who doesn’t love extra cheese slathered in imitation garlic butter? People without New Year’s resolutions, that’s who.
KFC’s our first stop, and my daughter’s having second thoughts. “Will I feel gross after I eat it?” she asks, not entirely serious but worked up enough to make me wonder if she’ll hyperventilate herself out of this trip.
We split two of the Colonel’s latest creations – the Double Down and the Doublelicious, the former having gained notoriety by substituting two boneless fried chicken pieces for the bun, holding together a generous helping of bacon, cheese and mystery sauce. We split them and share our booty. “This is a swirling vortex of yumminess,” Maisie says, but less than an hour later, she’s filled with remorse. “I feel sick. Why did you make me do this?” I’d answer but can’t, the salt from the sandwiches rendering my tongue useless.
The next day we tackle the newest menu item at Dunkin’ Donuts – Sausage Pancake Mini Bites –udder-sized meat-type sausages wrapped in a thin, maple-flavored pancake. It takes a leap of faith every time you bite into mass-produced sausage, and this effort requires something more like a catapult. As the mini bite reaches my lips, the pancake gives a little, like a soggy eggroll, but I continue, eating the fleshy tube in two bites. Maisie takes one nibble and announces she’s done.
“That tasted really gross. Why are we doing this again?” I don’t answer, gobbling down the remaining bites. The hint of artificial maple lingers in my throat like the syrupy perfume of an IHOP assistant night manager who knows her way around a waffle iron.
I spend the next week trying to figure out when I’ll fit in the rest. It’s not easy finding time for fast food.
Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites pizza is like the Ishtar of pizzas. “A pull-apart crust with 28 cheese-filled bites!” brags the Pizza Hut website. Sadly, just as Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty couldn’t save a lousy movie, Pizza Hut’s inability to execute on its vision leaves us bereft. This pizza resembles a giant circular Sasquatch plaster casting with mozzarella-filled toes. This yeti needs a manicure. I keep the large man-beast comments to myself so we can dig in, and we eat most of the pizza before giving up. “That was not worth it,” Maisie says. That doesn’t stop me from eating a dozen bites and four slices, reminding myself 2011 is my year.
Two days later I enter McDonald’s, scanning the menu for the McRib. It’s not there! McDonald’s has been playing cat and mouse with McRib lovers for years, selling it at random times in out-of-the-way locations, creating a semi-myth about the ground pork, pickle and onion sandwich to the point where you had a greater chance of sharing a McDLT with Whitey Bulger than finding a McRib in your neighborhood. The woman behind the counter asks for my order, and I say, “So you guys don’t have the McRib.”
“Yes we do,” she says as she points to a small sign pasted to the register. “Get one before they’re all gone – the famous McRib!”
I buy a McRib Large Extra Value Meal and head home. Maisie’s waiting (she’s no quitter), and I split the sandwich in two. It looks nothing like its photo – the sauce thin, the pickles sad and the few errant white onion shards bunched in the corner in what looks like fear. As for the rib aspect of the sandwich, I wonder what tiny creature was deboned for my lunch – McRabbit? McBadger? Hamburgler? But this sandwich isn’t gonna eat itself so we dig in.
“This has a weird taste,” Maisie complains, swiping my fries and leaving the kitchen. She’s given up on this quest, resigned to the idea that New Year’s resolutions are for processed pork lovers. I finish hers and mine in a few gulps.
I’m left alone for the final challenge – a visit to Taco Bell where I’ll dine solo on a Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito.
One might assume that any food using intentionally poor spelling is hiding something, but after one bite, the only thing this Stuft masterpiece is hiding is its fabulousness, and I don’t care how it’s spelt. The burrito sits warm in my hands, its top grilled brown, bite after bite revealing pockets of rice, cheese, beans and just enough chicken to explain away the misspelling.
I’ll miss you the most, Grilled Stuft friend. You’ve warmed my belly, caressed my heart and made me wish I didn’t own a calendar. That way, every day would be carefree, just like the playful way you tease me with each tickle of my taste buds. I love you, Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito.
But this is serious. In only a few days I must declare my intentions for 2011, and this burrito’s thrown me off. Maybe I could sneak away to Taco Bell once in a while – I mean, it’s kind of like a church, right? I could claim sanctuary and declare 2011 as the Year of “Tim and the Yo Yo” or “Tim Learns Jazzercise!” No. I’ve been down this road - 1986’s cheese fries are today’s chicken burritos and 2016’s frosted apple fritters, so it’s time to man up. No more stuft burritos, no more mini maple corn dogs for breakfast and no more Spam-flavored hype hoagies – just me and my muesli and maybe a scoop of yogurt if I’m feeling dangerous.
I say goodbye to you, my five cheesy fried meat-laced friends. But if we do run into each other, let’s pretend we never met. Dick doesn’t need to know. It’s easier that way.
It’s always the same for me. “This is the year I lose weight.” Dick Clark’s been my diet coach for a long time. New Year’s Eve meant confronting all the soda, Suzie Q’s, Bits O’Honey and bowls of Count Chocula I’d eaten in the previous 364 days while rockin’ to the televised hits of Toto, Billy Squire and Juice Newton as Dick narrated the ball’s descent. Just a snippet of “Auld Lang Syne” still makes me spit out whatever I’m trying to swallow whole before everyone screams, “Happy New Year!” While my siblings or friends tooted paper horns, counting down the seconds, I rehearsed my resolution - that this year, 1978, 1985, 1996 or 2009 – pick a year, any year – would be the year I finally shed unwanted tonnage.
This Friday night won’t be any different. I’ll huddle in front of the TV, cursing Dick’s persistence, wishing I could say 2011 would be the year I instead kickbox an angry kangaroo, spend a night in Delaware or vote Libertarian. But no. 2011 is THE year I lose weight.
I’ve decided to embrace the root of my lifelong strife and go out in blaze of cheesy greasy glory, targeting five fast food creations that defy nature, their very existence calling into question the molecular order of things. From the DoubleDown chicken sandwich to the McRib, from the Cheesy Bites Pizza to the Grilled Stuft Burrito, with a handful of Sausage Pancake Mini Maple-flavored bites thrown in for good measure, I aim to earn this year’s resolution with every fat-saturated caloric chew. I’ve convinced Maisie, my 11-year old daughter to join me. Kids today need to know there are consequences for the actions their parents force them to do.
Maybe these artery-obstructing choices are, “The Five Foods You’ll Eat in Hell,” but I’m not so sure. Everyone’s always smiling on the commercials, and who doesn’t love extra cheese slathered in imitation garlic butter? People without New Year’s resolutions, that’s who.
KFC’s our first stop, and my daughter’s having second thoughts. “Will I feel gross after I eat it?” she asks, not entirely serious but worked up enough to make me wonder if she’ll hyperventilate herself out of this trip.
We split two of the Colonel’s latest creations – the Double Down and the Doublelicious, the former having gained notoriety by substituting two boneless fried chicken pieces for the bun, holding together a generous helping of bacon, cheese and mystery sauce. We split them and share our booty. “This is a swirling vortex of yumminess,” Maisie says, but less than an hour later, she’s filled with remorse. “I feel sick. Why did you make me do this?” I’d answer but can’t, the salt from the sandwiches rendering my tongue useless.
The next day we tackle the newest menu item at Dunkin’ Donuts – Sausage Pancake Mini Bites –udder-sized meat-type sausages wrapped in a thin, maple-flavored pancake. It takes a leap of faith every time you bite into mass-produced sausage, and this effort requires something more like a catapult. As the mini bite reaches my lips, the pancake gives a little, like a soggy eggroll, but I continue, eating the fleshy tube in two bites. Maisie takes one nibble and announces she’s done.
“That tasted really gross. Why are we doing this again?” I don’t answer, gobbling down the remaining bites. The hint of artificial maple lingers in my throat like the syrupy perfume of an IHOP assistant night manager who knows her way around a waffle iron.
I spend the next week trying to figure out when I’ll fit in the rest. It’s not easy finding time for fast food.
Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites pizza is like the Ishtar of pizzas. “A pull-apart crust with 28 cheese-filled bites!” brags the Pizza Hut website. Sadly, just as Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty couldn’t save a lousy movie, Pizza Hut’s inability to execute on its vision leaves us bereft. This pizza resembles a giant circular Sasquatch plaster casting with mozzarella-filled toes. This yeti needs a manicure. I keep the large man-beast comments to myself so we can dig in, and we eat most of the pizza before giving up. “That was not worth it,” Maisie says. That doesn’t stop me from eating a dozen bites and four slices, reminding myself 2011 is my year.
Two days later I enter McDonald’s, scanning the menu for the McRib. It’s not there! McDonald’s has been playing cat and mouse with McRib lovers for years, selling it at random times in out-of-the-way locations, creating a semi-myth about the ground pork, pickle and onion sandwich to the point where you had a greater chance of sharing a McDLT with Whitey Bulger than finding a McRib in your neighborhood. The woman behind the counter asks for my order, and I say, “So you guys don’t have the McRib.”
“Yes we do,” she says as she points to a small sign pasted to the register. “Get one before they’re all gone – the famous McRib!”
I buy a McRib Large Extra Value Meal and head home. Maisie’s waiting (she’s no quitter), and I split the sandwich in two. It looks nothing like its photo – the sauce thin, the pickles sad and the few errant white onion shards bunched in the corner in what looks like fear. As for the rib aspect of the sandwich, I wonder what tiny creature was deboned for my lunch – McRabbit? McBadger? Hamburgler? But this sandwich isn’t gonna eat itself so we dig in.
“This has a weird taste,” Maisie complains, swiping my fries and leaving the kitchen. She’s given up on this quest, resigned to the idea that New Year’s resolutions are for processed pork lovers. I finish hers and mine in a few gulps.
I’m left alone for the final challenge – a visit to Taco Bell where I’ll dine solo on a Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito.
One might assume that any food using intentionally poor spelling is hiding something, but after one bite, the only thing this Stuft masterpiece is hiding is its fabulousness, and I don’t care how it’s spelt. The burrito sits warm in my hands, its top grilled brown, bite after bite revealing pockets of rice, cheese, beans and just enough chicken to explain away the misspelling.
I’ll miss you the most, Grilled Stuft friend. You’ve warmed my belly, caressed my heart and made me wish I didn’t own a calendar. That way, every day would be carefree, just like the playful way you tease me with each tickle of my taste buds. I love you, Grilled Stuft Chicken Burrito.
But this is serious. In only a few days I must declare my intentions for 2011, and this burrito’s thrown me off. Maybe I could sneak away to Taco Bell once in a while – I mean, it’s kind of like a church, right? I could claim sanctuary and declare 2011 as the Year of “Tim and the Yo Yo” or “Tim Learns Jazzercise!” No. I’ve been down this road - 1986’s cheese fries are today’s chicken burritos and 2016’s frosted apple fritters, so it’s time to man up. No more stuft burritos, no more mini maple corn dogs for breakfast and no more Spam-flavored hype hoagies – just me and my muesli and maybe a scoop of yogurt if I’m feeling dangerous.
I say goodbye to you, my five cheesy fried meat-laced friends. But if we do run into each other, let’s pretend we never met. Dick doesn’t need to know. It’s easier that way.
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