Diswasher Follies

Are you tired of the same dinner routine? In a suppertime stupor you can’t snap out of? Yearn for a world where every meal is magnificent? A magical universe that combines cooking and cleaning at the same time? Well, friend, I know of such a place, one where, with a push of a button, you can prepare a three-course meal and wash your pots and pans in one easy step. I’ve been to this world, and it’s glorious, a marvel of modern technology!

I call it “Dishwasher Cooking,” and everybody’s doing it. No other culinary method combines the raw power of soapy, steam heat with the elegance of poaching. Think of the time you’ll save! No more waiting, no more idle time, no more wondering when to ring that dinner bell.

Try my new “Dishwasher Cooking” method for two nights, and you’ll go from zero to hero in no time! Instead of angry chants of “We want food! We want food!” you’ll bask in choruses of “Mom/Dad/Legal Guardian is the best! Mom/Dad/Legal Guardian is the best!” This revolutionary approach to meal preparation and kitchen clean-up is so amazing that you’ll wonder where I’ve been your whole life!

You may remember that 1970’s movement where car owners, like you and me, learned how to cook dinner while driving their cars! A baked potato, a small rump roast, even glazed carrots and blueberry buckle - tucked next to the engine block - roasting all the way to Aunt Flo’s house in Terra Haute.

But in these days of spiraling gas prices, who wants to leave home to cook a meal? Dishwasher cooking solves that pesky problem. You can stay right in your own kitchen and make supper! Still have doubts? Check out the phrase, “dishwasher cooking” online. With only a few keystrokes you can learn about these simple methods and great recipes from around America, where scores of people have discovered the joys of blending nutritious meals with the ease of running the dishwasher. Satisfied? I knew you would be.

Here we go! The first night’s menu is both simple and complex, a unique blend of fresh ingredients cooked to perfection in any standard dishwasher. We start with a salmon fillet, smothered in lemon juice with a whisper of olive oil, wrapped air-tight in aluminum foil. Then we take a handful of Brussels sprouts, mix them with oil, salt and pepper, wrapping them up snuggly in foil. For dessert, Fuji apple slices, lemon and brown sugar, bundled in foil, nice and tight. Find a spot on the top rack, load the day’s dirty dishes into the bottom, add soap and run the normal cycle. Choose the optional Hi-Temp Wash to give that salmon the extra care it deserves. Then sit back and relax while your dinner cooks and your dishes clean! Play a game of Parcheesi, knit a sweater or catch up on your Matlock episodes. These two hours are yours!

What’s that? A hint of fish smell seems to be filling up the kitchen? No worries! That’s the salmon on its way to poached perfection! The odor’s getting stronger? “Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness,” I always say. Maybe choose that big candle, the one that smells like cinnamon. That should help. The Brussels sprouts? No, they won’t taste like lemon soap, silly! Those sprouts are wrapped tighter than two coats of paint. Now have another glass of wine and relax. Dinner will be ready in no more than one hundred minutes.

And we’re done! It’s time to eat. Let’s try some of this delicious salmon. Excuse me? Dry? No, I said “poached,” not “parched.” Well, don’t eat if you don’t like it. “To each his own,” that’s my motto. But these Brussels sprouts are to die for, I’m sure. Let’s take a bite and enjoy their leafy goodness. Where are you going? Nauseous? Don’t be foolish. These vegetables would never make anyone sick – I hear there’s a touch of the flu going around, anyway. The apples? Crunchy wet apples are the European way of preparing them. No need to be rude. Fine, I’ll discard these apples, and we’ll focus on tomorrow evening’s meal.

Ah yes! You’re back again! How very wise of you. No sense holding a grudge about going to bed hungry last night, is there? And yes, I apologize for the Brussels sprouts. What did you call them? The “stunted offspring of cabbage and misery?” I’m not sure that makes sense, but you’ve made it clear you did not approve, and we don’t need to dwell on the past.

Let’s get started, shall we? We’ll combine a dishwasher full of dirty plates, cups, knives and bowls with a tablespoon of Cascade detergent, a dash of Jet Dry and my famous “Dishwasher Lasagna Florentine.” You’ll be the hit of the house with this crowd-pleaser.

Take your no-boil lasagna sheets and lay them flat on aluminum foil, coat them with tomato sauce, spoon on a hearty serving of ricotta cheese and fresh spinach, and sprinkle mozzarella cheese on the top. Add another layer, top it off with more lasagna sheets, toss in a handful of mozzarella and seal up this wonderful casserole tight, making sure there are no holes in the foil. Place this bundle of culinary joy on the bottom rack, hit the button, and relish these moments of true relaxation.

Do we have to discuss the Brussels sprouts again? Accept my apology, and let’s move on. Besides, think of how delicious this spinach lasagna will taste in no more than two hours. Well, now you’re just being petty. Sure, I overcooked the salmon and you made me re-run the dishes to get rid of the fish odor – for what it’s worth, that stink was in your mind. I thought the cutlery smelled fine.

Dinner is served! My stars! See how delicious that lasagna looks! Ooh, watch how the creamy ricotta oozes over the sides, mixing with the tomato sauce. This will be wonderful, I have no doubt. Gummy? Did you say, “gummy?” I’m not sure that’s an apt description of this casserole. Granted, perhaps the steam heat creates a less traditional texture for the lasagna, but it’s still delicious. Isn’t it? Yes, there is a difference between “edible” and “delicious.” Like my mother always says, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!” And no, we can’t put it back in the dishwasher, not unless you want to wait another two hours. Why, yes, I would love a bowl of Lucky Charms. No sense going to bed hungry again. Thanks for asking.

Maybe my “Dishwasher Cooking” isn’t for you. It takes an adventurous soul to try something new, and perhaps you’re too stuck in your ways. I’m happy to discuss this in more detail, but let’s finish off this box of cereal. I can’t think clearly on an empty stomach.