Six Reasons to Love the World Cup! (or at least watch a few games)

I was once like you - sick of people telling me to love soccer. I grew weary of pundits extolling the virtues of “the beautiful game,” how we Americans must embrace it like the rest of the world. Scoldings about soccer were like dental hygienists begging us to floss or our mothers reminding us to eat our kale. For many years, I was a man who swore that a prescription for a joyous sporting life was one part baseball, one part football, one part Indy 500 and no parts soccer. Until I started watching.

When you first start watching soccer, it’s like peering through a keyhole of the door to an alternate universe. Fans sing lusty fight songs, blow plastic horns and set off smoke bombs. Commentators say things in refined English accents like, “His opportunistic venture into the mouth of the stalwart defense yields a stroke of brilliance!” When national pride is at stake, like it is with this month’s World Cup, everything gets kicked up a notch. The game are more intense, the fans more rabid and the rewards greater. And for the next thirty days, we can feast upon the dozens of games at our fingertips. If there was ever a time to contract a rare, month-long, non-debilitating yet highly contagious tropical disease, it would be now. Excused absences and World Cup soccer are ideal bedfellows.

So, from one former non-soccer fan to you, the ardent American sports lover who’d rather watch adults play poker in a windowless room or think watching left turns on an oval track constitutes excitement (are we really rooting for tires?), I’m here to tell you what’s to love about the World Cup. Give it some thought and drop me a line if you want to watch a few games together. I’ll be at home, in front of my TV for the next month, flossing the kale out of my teeth.

Reason #1: The US is Good (No, really, I’m serious)
We probably won’t win it all and may not make it very far, but we’re no Faroe Islands, that’s for sure. It wasn’t long ago that the rest of the world told jokes about the US team like, “An armadillo, a three-legged goat and eleven Americans walk onto a soccer field.” I don’t know how the rest of the joke goes, but the punch line is, “And the goat uses the armadillo as a crutch to score a hat trick to beat the US!” Uncle Sam’s Army is highly ranked, is led by a handful of players who excel in the best leagues in the world, and has a legitimate chance to advance well past the first round. Then again, we were considered a contender four years ago and were embarrassed worse than that time your buddy “pantsed” you at the bus stop in eighth grade, the lesson being, “Don’t believe the hype and always wear a belt.” But seriously, we’re pretty good.

Reason #2: North Korea – Santa’s Little Helpers
Rooting against North Korea’s soccer team is like rooting against Santa’s elves, if Santa referred to himself as “Dear Leader,” wore crazy person sunglasses and was the worst boss ever! The team had to hire Chinese cheerleaders because no one has enough money for bus fare, much less for a plane ticket to South Africa. Kim Jong-Il, nuttier than an outhouse rat, refuses to televise the games, fearing a loss would shame the nation (as opposed to abject poverty and chronic malnutrition). Its government made this statement after a loss in the qualifying rounds: “The game has turned into a theater of plot-breeding and swindling.” Just imagine if they win! We’d hear things like, “The heroes of the Fatherland have quenched their thirst with the blood of the foe, mocking the spiteful conspiracy to rob our sons of their birthright.” To top it off, there’s a distant, remote, improbable chance that North Korea would face South Korea, two nations technically still at war. The mind races with the plot-breeding possibilities.

Reason #3: USA versus England
If you watch just one game, watch this one. The last time the US beat England was in 1950, and we haven’t come close since. England’s team is loaded with some of the best players in the world, including Wayne Rooney, a temperamental goal-scorer with a face like a pork chop and the quickness of a pit viper. England takes credit for inventing soccer, and it hasn’t won the World Cup since 1966. Many expect them to go all the way, but they have to tussle with us first. And don’t think we’ve forgotten what they did to the White House in the War of 1812.

Reason #4: What’s in a Name?
Every team has a nickname, with African teams sporting the best - “Super Eagles,” “Indomitable Lions,” “Bafana Bafana.” The worst? Australia’s “Socceroos” – sounds like a lukewarm yogurt and Vegemite nutrition shake. Slovenia’s a close second with its “Little Dragons.” Nothing instills fear like a miniature version of a pretend creature. Was the name “Bitty Unicorns” already claimed by the team from Narnia?

Reason #5: Saving the Drama for your Mama
Would you rather watch reruns of Ryan’s Hope than see a minute of soccer? If so, have I got the story lines for you! Consider Argentina’s coach, Diego Maradona, who many consider the greatest player of all time. After a brilliant career, a slide into drugs and a chance for redemption, Maradona’s vowed to run naked through the streets of Buenos Aires if his team wins. He’s like Roger Clemens, Britney Spears and Frank the Tank rolled into one person. Or how about England’s John Terry? He’s won countless league titles and awards and was expected to lead England to World Cup victory as its captain. Until he slept with a teammate’s wife. That player left the national team and Terry’s no longer the captain. Whoops. And then there’s France. With moments remaining in its do-or-die qualifying match against Ireland, down by a goal, France was desperate, needing a tie to advance to the World Cup. Enter its most famous player – Thierry Henry – who palmed the ball, not once but twice, and handed it (literally) to his teammate who scored the equalizer. No justice, no peace, writes the man of Irish heritage.

Reason #6: No 7th Inning Stretch Necessary
At some point, even the most jaded baseball fan has to admit that another 9-4 Red Sox victory over Kansas City on a muggy June night is just plain boring. The seventh inning stretch? Seriously? Do you really need to stop the action to remind baseball fans there’s a game going on? Soccer doesn’t need a Slim Goodbody exercise routine to a Wayne Newton tune to reenergize its fans – the game provides all the energy and excitement you could ever need, and then some.

You Gotta Watch These Games!

USA vs England – Saturday, June 12@ 2:30 PM on ABC (“Give me liberty or a two-goal victory!”)

Brazil vs North Korea – Tuesday, June 15 @ 2:30 PM on ESPN (Samba music and bikini-clad fans or paranoid recluses with god complexes? You choose!)

France vs Mexico – Thursday, June 17 @ 2:30 PM on ESPN2 (France is lucky to be here, and Mexico hasn’t forgiven Napoleon III for his misguided dreams of conquest)

Greece vs Argentina – Tuesday, June 22 @2:30 PM on ESPN (Ninety spirited minutes of soccer followed by symposium titled, “Learning from our Mistakes - Debt, Currency Devaluation and Civil Unrest”)

Portugal vs Brazil – Friday, June 25 @ 10 AM on ESPN (Colonist and Colonizer meet on the last day of pool play – only Portuguese spoken here)