Poppa Smurf and the Ten Amendments

There comes a point in every parent’s life when it dawns on you that your kids may need a little extra help after school. Mine came in a double dose this past week from my son, now a 12-year old sixth grader. The subject of the film, Raiders of the Lost Ark came up. We’d rented it and planned on watching the movie together. Sam asked for a quick plot summary, and I obliged, explaining that Han Solo is essentially trying to save the Ark of the Covenant from the Nazis just before World War II. Sam then asked, “What’s the Ark of the Covenant?” Wince number one.

I explained that the Ark was the sacred vault for the Ten Commandments. Sam paused, looked at me, and shook his head, smiling. “Dad, you mean the Ten Amendments. They’re called amendments.” Wince number two. In that one moment I thought back to a fall afternoon in 1992 on Long Island. I was coaching middle school football with a fellow teacher – Lou. Lou and I knew nothing about football, and as Lou was fresh off the campus of Holy Cross College, we spent lots of time talking about religion. On that afternoon, I told Lou that if I ever had kids, I wasn’t sure I’d make them go to Catholic school like I’d endured. Lou concurred but then warned me – “But what about all the stuff we learned? What about all the cultural references that everyone knows because of a religious education? Your kids will miss all of that.” I didn’t give it much thought until almost fifteen years later when my son dismissed my plot summary as the ramblings of an historically confused man. I guess it was better than saying that the Ark held the “Ten Condiments,” (Thou shalt mix horseradish and sour cream for a tangy, satisfying dip for baby carrots”), but still, it made me wonder if I’ve been setting the kid up for failure later in life.

My concerns only got worse just yesterday when I sat down for dinner and noticed a picture on the kitchen counter. It was of Poppa Smurf, and I wondered aloud who’d printed it up, sure that my kids have never seen an episode of The Smurfs, which is good, because other than The Power Rangers, never was the bar for American TV programming set so low. Sam admitted it was his, so I had to ask why he’d printed it up. “Poppa Smurf is a famous historical figure, and I thought it was cool, and I want to hang it up in my room.” Third and final wince.

I’ve got some work to do. I think I’ll start by explaining that Poppa Smurf was the one responsible for giving Han Solo the Ten Amendments for safe-keeping from the Blue Power Ranger, just after he parted the Peppermint Stick forest in Candy Land. Every journey starts with a first step, and mine starts here.